What I would have said if I were you ( a love letter to myself- because sometimes you just have to pretend this is what someone is thinking):
“The moment I first saw you, I thought you were beautiful and wonderful and so full of life that I wanted to be a part of you. And I’m sorry that I let you believe and then let you down and I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there to hold you as you cried yourself to sleep and perhaps drunk more than you should and I’m sorry that I couldn’t hold your hand and tell you that I’ll love you forever and that you just needed to wait. I’m sorry my love, that you had to go through all that pain alone, without me to carry you or protect you and I’m sorry that all along it was me who caused it.
But I hope you can see, that even though I couldn’t and didn’t say what I felt and let you fall and crawl along in the dirt and took too long to pick you up and dust you off and carry you back out into the light, that all my actions were meant to protect and honour you. I hope you can see sweetheart, that at the time I was loving you in the way I thought I best could,
And it breaks my heart that it crushed you, and how I wish all the time that I could remove the doubt and uncertainty its created about how absolutely essential to my life and very existence you are.
I’ve never, since that fist day I shook your hand (you were wearing a pink top and a blue scarf), had a day when I haven’t thought about you and longed to have you near.
I’m sorry that I built an expectation and then let you down and made you believe you weren’t worth it. But if you could have heard how I cried out to God,you would know that you are worth more than any and everything I could have conceived or imagined.
You are so beautiful and if I were to ever be without you I’d be but a shadow of myself. If you were ever to go I would never me the man I hope to be. And if I try to imagine a life without you (although, admittedly it’s pretty hard to imagine that all), I would be a lonely, crazy man without reason.
Because I love you and to me you are perfect and always have been in every way.”